Lagniappe!

Happy Birthday to me!

Well, I've officially lived longer than I thought I would. Strange statement I know, afterall, I'm only 36 years old!

When I was a little girl, and as a teenager, and even in my early 20s, I was overwhelmed with this sense that I would die young. I didn't obsess about it, but it was one of those thoughts that would occasionally pass through & I'd nod my head and acknowledge the knowledge, so to speak. I think when I was an adolescent, these thoughts represented hope. Having a short life meant a shorter amount of time to have to survive all that the world may throw at me. Though I was pretty sassy/scrappy when I was a child...I was also very vulnerable, confused, and scared. When I was a teenager, those thoughts of a short life brought relief. As a teenager, I lived my life like I had been dropped into the ocean without a life boat or life preserver, and I only had the swimming skills of an amateur doggy-paddler. I grabbed on to every stick or piece of fuslage for relief from the constant struggle to keep my head above the water. Unfortunately, for the most part I didn't hear or recognize God's hand reaching down for me and I seldom flipped over and floated on my own back. What I did was grab for things that would inevitably sink or drag me deeper out to sea. At 19 years old, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Looking back now, I think I was disappointed that I didn't die. I didn't long for death, but I longed for one of 2 things: 1) Rescue from myself or 2) Someone to really see me, which would mean seeing that the cancer of my body was nothing compared to the cancer of my soul. I was still looking for the life preserver. In my early 20s, I was wreckless & lived in a way that was disrespectful to myself & to God. As a therapist, all of that "acting out" sure makes sense now. I didn't think of death, but I lived in it. That sentence won't make sense to any of you who haven't lived there...living a dead life.

Those of you who know me know that somewhere and sometime along the way I must have been thrown a life preserver. Truth is, everyday I have to reach for the life preserver. Everyday I have to reach out to God. Everyday I have to accept his grace, and provision. Now in my "late 30s" the thought of death still crosses my mind. I still nod my head and acknowledge the possibility. It's a weird feeling to be 36, when I thought the longest I'd be here was 35. It's pretty freeing, actually. Lagniappe is a French word I learned while living in Louisiana. It means "a little something extra". That is how I view my life now. It is how I want to live my life. A little something extra. A little gift from God. I pray to use this time to truly love other people, the kind of love God describes in I Corinthians 13. I want to reach out to other people when they feel like they have taken their last gulp of air before sinking into the abyss. I want to accept that hand when it is reached out to me. I want to use the gifts and the passion God infused into my very being to glorify Him. I want to live boldly. I want to crush the shackles of fear and no longer accept the lies of its bondage.

In reading for my Life Cycle class I came across a great quote. I'll end this very long blog with these very true words.

For age is opportunity no less
than youth itself, though in another dress,
and as the evening twilight fades away
the sky is filled with stars invisible by day.
----Longfellow